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A script by P.F.Tickner
Originally written for television and performed in 1937

Enter PUNCH.

PUNCH Hullo, hullo, hullo! Where's Judy? Judy! Judy! Judy!

(Enter JUDY)

JUDY Hullo, Punch.

PUNCH Hullo, my girl.

JUDY What do you want?

PUNCH I want a little dance. (They dance. She hits him)

JUDY So you want to dance. I'll find you something better to do than wasting your time up here. I'll get you the baby to nurse.

PUNCH All right. Get downstairs. (Judy exits and returns with Baby)

JUDY Here he is, and mind you look after him. (Both pull the Baby, exclaiming Give him to me. PUNCH finally gets the baby and hits JUDY with it. JUDY exits)

PUNCH All right, I'll look after him. Get downstairs. (Takes baby, who is crying. He dances about with it)

PUNCH Stop it. I won't have it. Oh dear, Oh dear. (Hits baby on side of the proscenium.) Take that - and that - and that. (Throws Baby out of the window)
(Enter JUDY)
JUDY Where's my baby?
PUNCH I don't, know.
JUDY Where is he? (They look about stage)

PUNCH He's not there. (still looking) He's not there! He's not there! He's not there!

JUDY Where is he? What have you done with him?

PUNCH I threw him out of the window.

JUDY You villain! (Takes stick and chases PUNCH round stage, - fixes him against side and hits him on the head) Take that - and that - and that.

PUNCH Give me that stick. (They fight for the stick, each saying to the other "Give it to me." Securing stick and beating JUDY with it PUNCH says) Take that - and that -and that. That's the way to give it to 'em (JUDY falls down and PUNCH is very surprised to find that he has killed her.) Judy my girl, I won't hurt you. Come on. I won't hurt you. (JUDY does not get up) - Well, take that - and that and that. (Hits her and throws body downstairs) That's the way to give it 'em.

(CLOWN bobs up)

CLOWN Says you! (bobs down)

PUNCH Who was that?

CLOWN (Bobs up again) Me. (bobs down). -

(CLOWN comes up behind PUNCH, and hits him several times on the back of his head. PUNCH is out to catch him, but CLOWN comes behind him each time crying "Cuckoo.? Here we are!." Finally PUNCH catches him and fixes him with stick against the side)

PUNCH Now you stop there, then I won't hurt. you. (PUNCH calls 1 – 2 – 3 and hits, but CLOWN ducks and PUNCH hits side of proscenium)

PUNCH Did you move?

CLOWN No, I did not move. (business repeated)

PUNCH You did move that time.

CLOWN No I did not move. Your stick is not long enough. There is a longer one over there.

PUNCH (looking around) Where?

CLOWN (hitting him on head) There! (CLOWN vanishes downstairs)


CLOWN (coming up behind) Hallooo. (Vanishes again.)

PUNCH Where is he? (Looking round. Crocodile comes up behind him and bites him)

On dear. Oh dear. (Fights CROCODILE. In the end pushes his stick down its throat)

On he has swallowed my stick. Come on, give it to me. Give it to me. Lets look down your throat. I can see it. (CROCODILE bites PUNCH'S nose and exits)

PUNCH On, my poor nose. Doctor, Doctor, I'm dead.


DOCTOR Hullo, what's the matter here, my dear old friend Mr. Punch. (Aside) He appears to be quite dead. Are you dead, Mr. Punch?
Yes, I think so.

DOCTOR Not quite so bad as that surely, my poor fellow. Let me examine you. Are you dead there? (Touches PUNCH'S head)

DOCTOR Are you dead there? (Touches PUNCH'S chest)


DOCTOR Are you dead there; (Touches PUNCH'S foot)


DOCTOR Then where are you dead?

PUNCH (kicking DOCTOR in eye) Why there! That's way to give it 'em. (Exit DOCTOR)

(PUNCH dances round stage. DOCTOR reappears behind PUNCH)

DOCTOR I have brought you some medicine, Mr. Punch. (Picks up stick)

PUNCH What sort of medicine?

DOCTOR A nice stick of liquorice.

PUNCH But I don't like liquorice.

DOCTOR But you haven't tried -it yet. (Hits PUNCH with stick) Liquorice! Liquorice! Liquorice!

PUNCH Oh, my poor head. (They struggle for stick) Now you have some of my liquorice.

DOCTOR I don't want any.

PUNCH Yes, you do.

DOCTOR No, I don't.

PUNCH Yes you do (Continues to hit DOCTOR). Liquorice! Liquorice! Liquorice!
That's the way to give it 'em. (DOCTOR falls dead and PUNCH pushes body to side of stage (Enter BEADLE)
BEADLE what is the meaning of this, my fine fellow?

PUNCH He's just gone and choked himself with a stick of liquorice.

BEADLE Choked himself with a stick of liquorice? You will have to answer
this, my man!

PUNCH Who are you?

BEADLE I am the Beadle, and I have come to lock you up.

PUNCH Well, let's see you do it, my boy.

BEADLE Stand away there. You must not talk to me like that.

PUNCH And you must not talk to me like this.

BEADLE I don't intend to put up with any of your nonsense.

PUNCH And I don't intend to put up with any of your nonsense.

BEADLE If I hit you, you will know it, my boy.

PUNCH If I hit you, you wont know it, my boy.

BEADLE Let me tell you once more, sir, I have come to lock you up.

PUNCH And I've come to knock you down. (Hits BEADLE, who falls down next to DOCTOR. Enter CLOWN)

CLOWN Oh I say! Who did that? 1 dead bloke - 2 dead blokes -

PUNCH 3 dead blokes.

CLOWN (looking down at figures) No. Only 2 dead blokes.

PUNCH I say 3. Now look here, I'll count them again. (Touching each figure in turn) That's 1 dead bloke, that's 2 dead blokes.

(Hits CLOWN with stick) That's 3 dead blokes. (Dances round stage. When his back is turned, CLOWN jumps up and shouts, Pip! Pip! PUNCH turns round quickly, but CLOWN is now back with the other figures, pretending to be dead)

PUNCH What a funny thing. (PUNCH lifts each figure in turn and places them along the front of the stage, one in each corner and one in the middle of the stage. He then counts them) 1 dead bloke, 2 dead blokes.

CLOWN (bobs up) 3 dead blokes. (Bobs down again)
(Looks round the stage and in all the corners and over the front) If I find out who that was I'll break his neck.

(CLOWN meanwhile jumps up and takes the other two figures below. PUNCH looks round and is surprised to find that they are gone. He looks everywhere, calling ) Joey, Joey, where are you.

CLOWN(Coming up behind PUNCH and hitting him) Here we are. (PUNCH falls down. CLOWN exits)

PUNCH Oh my poor head, Oh my poor head. Doctor, doctor, doctor. I'm dead again (Enter HANGMAN with gallows)

HANGMAN I am the sort of doctor you want, my lad.

PUNCH Here. I didn't send for you.

HANGMAN (Setting up gallows) No, but I'm sent for you.

PUNCH Well, I should like to know what for.

HANGMAN Oh, that's all right. I'll give you what for.

PUNCH Well what do I have to do?

HANGMAN Put your, head in the noose.

PUNCH O.K. You show me first.

HANGMAN Anything to oblige. (Puts his head in the noose) Now you can see how easy it is. All you have to do is to stand still, and all I have to do is, to pull the rope.

PUNCH You do what?

HANGMAN I said Pull the rope.

PUNCH Oh, all right. (PUNCH pulls the rope and hangs the HANGMAN) That's the way to do it Joey.
(Enter CLOWN)
CLOWN What's the matter? (CLOWN looks at HANGMAN) Oh, I say! You'll catch it now, my boy, What are we going to do?

PUNCH Get a box to put it in. (CLOWN disappears with a box)
CLOWN Let's put him in this box and take him to the hospital (PUNCH & CLOWN put HANGMAN in the box. His legs hang over the end, so they move him up. Then his head hangs over the other end.)

PUNCH Your box is too small.

CLOWN No it isn't. Your old hangman is too big I know, let's fold him up.

(PUNCH & CLOWN fold HANGMAN up in the box and then lift it up together on to their shoulders. In doing so, the HANGMAN falls out, but they do not appear to notice this)

PUNCH It's not so heavy now.

CLOWN No, he's not so heavy my boy. (PUNCH & CLOWN put the box down. They find that the HANGMAN has disappeared)

PUNCH Here, where has he gone?

CLOWN He has run away.

PUNCH It's your fault.

CLOWN No, it's your fault. You had him last. (PUNCH & CLOWN turn the box upside down and look everywhere for the HANGMAN. PUNCH picks up the box and hits CLOWN with it)

PUNCH It 's all your fault. Take that and that - and that

(PUNCH chases CLOWN round the stage, hitting him all the time, CLOWN finally gets away and PUNCH comes to the centre of the stage and wishes everyone "Good Night!")